I wrote this over a month ago and decided I should publish it to keep up with this whole transparency thing I have going on.
I’ve had a pretty interesting life thus far. Currently I’m 36 sitting in a random bedroom of a couples house I met a week ago (they’re super sweet btw) because I did not renew my lease in New Jersey for another year, sold all of my shit and started traveling.
The thought of waking up one more day in the place that my ex-wife and I shared our entire married life would have put me in the ground. I wouldn’t have killed myself but it came to the point where I just could not get out of bed due to crippling depression.
I have been on the road for 4 months and my head has cleared. I’ve seen family and friends that I normally would not have made an effort to see in my typical everyday life, driven through desert and forests, next to oceans, over oceans, through mountains and major cities.
This journey, as everyone calls it, has been cathartic. I feel more connected to myself then I ever have in my whole life.
Each month is different from the last. Home is where I lay my head each night. I have become so comfortable with the idea of traveling that I don’t know if I ever really want to stop. If I do then so be it. If I don’t then so be it. Whatever I decide is what will be. I’m done worrying about the future. It’s fucking bullshit.
When I was 16 I’m sure I had some vision of what my life would look like at 36. Do I remember what that vision was? Fuck no. I have no clue. I literally have no idea. Did I worry about it then?
If I did it would not have mattered because I don’t have a check list comparing notes making sure I was right. Plus none of us are that smart to know what our lives will 100% look like in 2 decades.
My only daily concern is how to live and be happy now. I’ve never been so in the moment. Have you ever had this? Have you ever woke up, grabbed a coffee and just drove around aimlessly for hours and then ended up in a park that had a great view with mountains and endless nature mixed with skyscrapers and amazing structures?
Well that is what I call today. I literally did all of that. I started out in a house that’s in a cool little rural area of Portland, went to an amazing coffee place, and then drove around the city with no care. Taking random turns down streets I normally would have passed just to see what I could find.
Then the ride ended on top of this scenic area my buddy Matt showed me the other day. I sat on a bench and looked over Portland for hours. I’ve never felt so alive since I left Jersey back in March.
Even with all of this I still let thoughts of my marriage creep in every day. Sure I talk about this a lot but it’s my blog and that’s what I feel like writing about. That’s how writing for your own blog works. You start typing and vulnerable thoughts pass through your fingers onto keys of a computer. When you’re done you find a fun image visually summarizing the post, give it a witty title and hit publish so people can read what’s on your mind. Well now you will read about how not being with someone I deeply love saddens me.
There’s a constant question I carry; That question is if I can truly love someone else again? I opened up my soul to someone and it wasn’t enough to keep them around. I have always been a hopeless romantic because I just love, well, love. I love the feeling of being with the right person, hugging them from behind in the kitchen, kissing their neck whenever I want, grabbing their butt because I’m a butt guy, laughing with them over random shit, and just loving them. I loved doing every and anything for her and I don’t know if I can do that for someone else.
I’m not sure if I can surrender that much of myself again. I don’t know if I can create vows for another person dedicating my life to them. I thought I found the last person I was going to love and stood in front of family and friends in a ceremony promising that she was it for me.
That was the finale. There wasn’t supposed to be a sequel.
You can see the dilemma I’m in. A guy who loves being in love with the right person but gave all of that love to someone who didn’t want it and lead me to believe they did for 6 years. I like to believe maybe this is just how I feel right now because the next person who comes along will hopefully ignite that flame again. They’d have to create one hell of a spark, though.
My heart was 100% someone’s property and unfortunately they still have it. It’s hard to take that back.
Sure I’m happy in all other aspects of my life but Goddamn if my heart can’t shake feeling like it belongs to someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Would I ever be with her again if she decided that this was all a mistake?
I don’t know. We didn’t end our marriage because of fighting or the fact that we couldn’t stand one another. It ended because she didn’t feel it.
Maybe that’s caused by being scared? Maybe that’s something that happens to someone when they start thinking too much. If we were constantly screaming at one another then I could sit here and tell you that we were a disaster but I can’t. I’ve never felt so complete with one person in my life. They are still a part of thoughts every single day.
If it’s not meant to be then I hope the Universe has big plans because this shit sucks. If this whole thing is just a test to make us stronger in the end, then that’s something I will never see coming. Of course, I never saw us getting divorced until the last second so it seems like I don’t know shit about anything.