So depression is kind of awful

Disclaimer – If you found this website with the intention to learn how to live paleo then you’re in for a surprise. Yes there are some random posts on how to make paleo things but the rest is purely mental paleo. There’s no filler or additives in what you are about to read.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. I decided this week it’s time to rev pR! back up with some hard core personal focus. I am determined to beat this depression/pity party I’ve been battling. It’s fucking crippling. For a while I thought it was adrenal fatigue and chemicals were keeping me from smiling on a daily basis but I think there’s more going on that I’m not aware of.

Although I think there’s something to this, I’m not sure if it’s all physical. When I have a good day it’s usually attributed to a feeling of purpose and that changes my mental state to feeling happy. If I wake up knowing I have something to accomplish I can get out of bed with ease. Granted, I will be a bit sluggish but there’s some pep in my step.

Now let’s focus on the days  I can’t get out of bed.

At all.

I wake up raring to go, step out of bed, do some bathroom stuff then slowly my body shuts down and I melt back under the covers not being able to do anything but fall back asleep and hide from the world. This is some scary shit. Like, really fucking scary shit.

I feel really alone lately and put way too much pressure on myself. I’m 37, divorced, rent an apartment that has no furniture (because I sold it all last year to travel) and have a business which I struggle to keep alive. I have no idea what I will make each month because it all depends on gaining new business for my animation company. I’m about 40K in debt and have no idea what I want to do with my life.

It’s scary writing all of this because it’s so personal and I’m sure when I see my friends around town they’re going to be like “Umm, are you ok?” I’m not going to jump off a building so yes I am ok. I just see so many posts on Facebook about how happy everyone is all the time. It’s ok to tell people when you aren’t rainbows and pixie dust. I won’t judge 😉

If you really are that happy then I truly envy you and don’t hate you for it. I wish nothing but happiness on everyone I come in contact with. In fact, I love making people laugh so yes I am a fan of happy.

I just need to release this from my brain because the more I talk about depression and being lost the more I will be presented with answers. I saw this happen a lot when I traveled the US last year. I was completely on my own but lived every day in the moment.

So many answers came my way when I just opened my eyes. You’d be blown away by half the shit that will happen when you just listen. When you truly feel alive it’s miraculous but part of feeling alive is feeling pain and hurt. It keeps you balanced and reminds us why happiness is bad ass.

After I finished traveling and got back to NJ in October of last year all of the shit I left behind came flooding back in. There was never a point where I thought traveling would solve all of my problems.

Wherever you go there you are, right?

I did think I could step away and come back with a new perspective but that didn’t work. I can say that the anger I housed mentally last year is gone. I’ll go more into that in another post but let’s just say you’ll probably shit yourself at how I have learned to forgive. Especially after I wrote this.

Now I’ve decided the only way to fix myself is to just keep posting about where my head is at. My hope is that people come out of the woodwork and share their stories about their ongoing struggles or how they made it through the darkness. I want this to be a place where people come to find answers.

I wish this post was page one of a story that leads to a happy ending. Instead, I’m treating this as a book that’s writing itself on a daily/weekly basis. If I do this right there’s going to be a point where massive break throughs are going to occur and it’s going to be unbelievable.

This is pure transparency and brutal honesty. That’s just what comes out of me.