I’m not sure what success is supposed to be

I have this constant struggle with fully accomplishing anything. I’ll start something and then a few minutes later my mind starts telling me that it’s shit and no one will care. Then I pose the question to myself, “Why does it matter if anyone cares?”

I don’t have the comfort of a paycheck being sent to me every other week from a full time job. That’s because I own an animation company and support myself through busting my ass to get people to give a shit about what we make. I don’t really make a lot of money, yet. To be honest, a few weeks ago I had $14 in my bank account. That was the lowest my funds have gotten since 2007 when I was freelancing for someone who kept bouncing checks on me every other week.

The reason I don’t get a job is either because I’m really driven to be successful on my own or I’m really fucking stubborn. Last year when I traveled the US I sold everything. When I moved to Raleigh this past January I had 5 boxes of stuff when I moved into my apartment. Since then I’ve filled my place with a bed, a rug and a chair. My kitchen is pretty awesome, though, because I love cooking.

Anyway, my apartment is like a white sterile environment. There’s no sense of home. No color. No feeling. Home isn’t something I’ve felt since before I got separated in 2014. Sure I’ve gotten over the whole being left by someone I married but I’ve never tried to make my place feel comforting.

My entire 20s were built on finding success for myself. I put myself through school, got a job as an Art Director, went out on my own to freelance and started making some serious cash. It was at that time I met my now ex-wife. Life was humming along.

We got married, had a cool place, tons of friends and then one day it stopped. So I sold everything and started from scratch, again. Now I’m 37 and have a really hard time being motivated enough to get the ball rolling. It’s almost as if my subconscious is like,”What’s the point?”

I guess I feel that way in relationships as well. What’s the point in meeting someone, falling in love and potentially having it crumble. I believe that is why I have nothing in my place and have a hard time fighting for real success.

But then I take a moment, chill the fuck out and remember I’m awesome. I have a shit ton of talent and believe I will dig myself out of this stupid fucking hole. It’s a constant rollercoaster. Some days I feel great. Others I feel like a complete waste because I’ll launch an idea for my business and it’s like radio silence. Or I’ll want to talk to a girl but then get in my own way.

There’s a point where anyone else would say fuck it but I just keep moving forward. I guess it’s forward. I don’t know, it’s some kind of direction.

That’s one of the reasons I gave up drinking(ish) for this next year. I want to feel level and see what happens when I don’t have anxiety and brain fog getting in my way The only issue is I don’t have a real end goal for what I want. There’s no vision.

As far as my company, I don’t know how big I want it to be or if I truly even love it. I like animating but I don’t believe I’m supposed to be this awesome animation guy. It doesn’t define me. I’m just a guy who likes making people laugh and excel when I’m with someone I care about. That’s literally all I want in life. That plus a few million dollars at all times so I can pay people to do my bidding.

Kidding.

I just needed to brain dump all of this because my head is all over the place and I needed to get it out even though it’s always scary to be honest. The fact that I didn’t want to write made me open my laptop and just let the words flow.

You can’t get anywhere in life by living in your head. Progress is executed by actions. They might be small but it all adds up. Every small move I make just puts me in a better place and this helped. Now that I’ve released some of this weight I can get back to making shit happen.

~Mike